I do think South Africa are the best equipped of the semi-finalists to beat Australia, but that's like saying that Daddy is most likely to woo Scarlett Johansson on a Thursday. It's not going to happen. For Australia, this should be a 22nd straight World Cup victory, going back to that tie with South Africa, but they will not presume as much. They have a strange relationship with the South Africans: they hold them in almost complete contempt, justly belittling them as upright, uptight underachievers, yet they will also fear them after that extraordinary ODI last year, when South Africa chased a target of 435. Despite that, most people think that South Africa's best chance of winning today is to bat first and post a challenging total - 260 to 300 - because when Australia have batted first in this tournament they have consistently smashed prohibitively large totals and defended them comfortably thanks to the ability of Brad Hogg, Shaun Tait and Glenn McGrath to take vital wickets at vital times.
South Africa win the toss and will bat first on what Daddy thinks is a pretty good batting track. Great news for those of us who crave a contest. Daddy certainly does. Both sides are unchanged, which means no place for Makhaya Ntini.
South Africa Smith, de Villiers, Kallis, Gibbs, Prince, Kemp, Boucher, Pollock, Hall, Nel, Langeveldt.
Australia Gilchrist, Hayden, Ponting, Clarke, Symonds, Hussey, Watson, Hogg, Bracken, Tait, McGrath.
1st over: South Africa 5-0 Daddy's ready. Let's play! This is such an important passage: South Africa were 160 for 0 after 20 against Australia in the group game, and they will want something not dissimilar here. Smith shows his intent by going hard at the first delivery, a gentle outswinger from Bracken, and he edges it low to third man to get off the mark. It's a good over from Bracken, who has been immaculate through this tournament, and de Villiers defends respectfully before edging the final delivery low to third man for four. The outfield looks extremely fast. "Stop calling yourself Daddy," says Ben Mimmack. "I've got an image of you sat at your computer dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend and that's not conducive to a successful digestion of my lunch." That's unfair: the way Daddy is perceived, and his impact upon lunch consumption, is not Daddy's responsibility.
2nd over: South Africa 7-0 Interesting: it's McGrath, rather than Tait, to take the new ball. Daddy pinpoints two possible reasons: to take advantage of the strong breeze or to use his nous to check South Africa's probable new-ball assault. So far there has been no such thing: de Villiers in particular looks watchful, slightly cautious, and survives a really big shout for LBW when he pushes forward at an off-cutter. McGrath is apoplectic, but Daddy concurs with Aleem Dar's decision. Hawkeye has it hitting the top of leg, but only just, and there was sufficient doubt to justify Aleem Dar's verdict. "Have you turned into a WWF wrestler?" asks Simon Wood. "You now have a stage name and have started referring to yourself in the third person."
WICKET! Smith b Bracken 2 (South Africa 7-1) That is a massive wicket. Smith tried to dominate by charging down the wicket at Bracken, but having been beaten by the first ball he was cleaned up by the third. It was a beautiful leg-cutter to the left-hander, which sneaked past the edge and pinged the outside of off stump, but Smith's hoick was pretty ugly.
3rd over: South Africa 7-1 Kallis is beaten by his first delivery, another lovely leg-cutter from Bracken, who is bowling splendidly. That's a wicket maiden. "I'm relatively new to this site... who is Big Suze in the picture..?? She's damm sexy 'n HOT..!!" says Richard Anderson, making an almighty mess. She's in a comedy called Peep Show, Richard. It's not a bongo movie, but can probably be treated as such if you're 12 years old.
4th over: South Africa 7-1 Australia have already imposed their will on this game, probably decisively. What a team of champions they are. McGrath is bang on the money again in that over, and de Villiers can only watch a series of deliveries go past his off stump. A maiden. "Please, please stop saying 'Daddy'," pleads Mark Casarotto. "Please." Be careful what you wish for.
5th over: South Africa 8-1 Australia are doing unto South Africa what South Africa did unto England last week: they can hardly get it off the square, and already five overs have basically been wasted, but they won't be too concerned as they have such brutal death-hitters to come. de Villiers in the Vaughan role, padding up time after time after time. Kallis gets off the mark by skewing one to third man for a single, but that's it. "Is calling yourself 'Daddy' a sign of personality dissociation disorder: a complex Wikipedia describes as 'a coping mechanism for individuals confronting painful and/or traumatic situations'," says Charlotte Hooper. "Surely the World Cup hasn't been that bad?" You weren't here on Easter Monday for 100 overs of Ireland v New Zealand, were you?
WICKET! Kallis b McGrath 5 (South Africa 12-2) Outrageously good cricket from McGrath, up there with his famous dismissals of Lara and Tendulkar in previous World Cups. Kallis had backed away to cover-drive the previous ball on the up for four, so McGrath slipped in an off-stump yorker and Kalls, backing away again, could not squeeze his bat down on it. This is awesome stuff from Australia.
6th over: South Africa 17-2 de Villiers pulls McGrath emphatically for four to conclude an eventful over: nine runs and one big, big wicket. "South Africa to bottle it by two runs," says Oliver Gardiner. Daddy thinks that would be quite an achievement, given that they are batting first.
7th over: South Africa 21-2 Gibbs and de Villiers are the two jocks of South African cricket, two staggeringly talented all-round sportsmen, but they showed a worrying lack of brains in taking a ludicrous single when de Villiers drove Bracken straight to Watson to mid-on. With a direct hit he would've been out by miles. "The Daddy thing is a tad creepy you know," says Rachel Clifton. "You sound like some weirdo Southerner from a Tennessee Williams play.... Any chance that Kallis will pull a brilliant, match-winning innings out here a la Mahela yesterday?" Daddy suspects not.
8th over: South Africa 22-2 McGrath's pitch map is great - everything on the usual postage stamp except that one surprise yorker to Kallis. He has always used his yorkers and bouncers so well. Just one from the over when de Villiers, unwilling to take risks from the crease against McGrath's stock delivery, charges down the track and squeezes the final delivery to third man. "Wasn't Big Daddy's real name Vivienne?" asks Richard Harries.
WICKET! de Villiers c Gilchrist b Tait 15 (Australia 26-3) Tait comes on for Bracken (4-1-10-1), which is a risky move given the hold Australia have on the game, and when his first ball is banged in short de Villiers clouts it over midwicket for four. He then fresh-airs an attempted pull at a length delivery outside off stump, and clearly he is targetting Tait. Daddy thinks this is a necessary move, but fraught with peril. And that's why, because Tait has struck with his fifth ball: it was full, just outside off and de Villiers, driving leaden-footedly, snicked through to Gilchrist. Everything RIcky Ponting touches turns to green and gold.
9th over: South Africa 26-3 Ashwell Prince, who in the opinion of Daddy looks worryingly like Graham Norton, is the new batsman. "If you're Daddy, who's Mummy?" asks James Houston. "Lutz? Glendenning? Rusbridger?"
WICKET! Prince c Gilchrist b McGrath 0 (South Africa 27-4) Oh my goodness, that really is pathetic. Prince's second ball is a big wide but, for some reason, he has a preposterous heave at it and gets a simple edge to Gilchrist. A diabolical shot.
WICKET! Boucher c Hayden b McGrath 0 (South Africa 27-5) He's gone first ball! What an unbelievable shower of bottlers South Africa are. It was a routine McGrath delivery, the kind we've seen thousands of times in the last 15 years, and Boucher, feeling with hard hands, edged it low to Hayden at first slip. In fairness that was a very good ball to get first-up. Amazing stuff. What an absolute champion this man McGrath is.
10th over: South Africa 27-5 Kemp leaves the hat-trick ball, which whistles not far past his off stump. "Honestly Richard Harries!" says Oliver Gardiner. "Any OBOer worth his salt knows that Big Daddy was not called Vivienne but instead a far more manly Shirley."
11th over: South Africa 35-5 That should have been another wicket! Tait went through Gibbs with a sizzling inswinger, and there seemed to be an inside-edge through to the diving Gilchrist. Steve Bucknor said no but Daddy suspects he was wrong, although replays weren't entirely conclusive. Gibbs, rattled, flashes at the next delivery and snicks it through the vacant second-slip area for four. He composes himself in time for the next ball and cover-drives it beautifully for four more. "I can see it now," says Paul Howarth. "You're slurring to a lovely lady in the boozer last night. You're feeling strong after United's victory. Several flagons of Gut-Twister are sloshing around inside you. In an attempt to impress, you tell her that you are the man responsible for OBO. She looks askance, wanting it to be true but needing proof. 'Anything,' you tell her. 'Alright,' she says, 'Call yourself 'Daddy' throughout and I'll let you hold my hand in public.' You think about it for a nanosecond: "Consider it done'." And - and this was the clincher - she said Daddy can touch her hair on Tuesdays!
12th over: South Africa 36-5 Kemp is the biggest bully in a team of them, and he won't last long here. McGrath roughs him up with a short ball that Kemp fends off unconvincingly. Gibbs looks reasonably composed, repelling the remainder of the over comfortably, but what can he possibly expect to salvage from this? I suppose they do at least bat a long way down - Pollock and Hall are to come - so could sneak up to around 220. McGrath, meanwhile, has stunning figures of 6-1-14-3. "Given this terrible bit of behaviour by South Africa, will Daddy be sending them to bed early tonight?" says Lee Calvert. Daddy does not want to send them to bed, ever, because he fears they will have nightmares about this for a long, long time.
13th over: South Africa 47-5 (Gibbs 17, Kemp 1) Gibbs follows Daddy's golden rule - if you're going to flash, flash hard - and edges Tait high over the slips for four. It was a reasonably safe shot and he is looking pretty good. He needs to get a century here, backed up by 20s and 30s from Kemp, Pollock and Hall, if South Africa are to have any chance at all. Five wides won't do any harm either, as Tait spears an attempted yorker miles down the leg side. "Peter Moores gave his first press conference as England coach this morning. Find out what he had to say for himself ," says Barry Glendenning.
14th over: South Africa 50-5 Bracken is back - no rest for the frigid - and Kemp, who is a bag of nerves, edges him streakily through second slip. Then Gibbs brings up the fifty with an economical work to leg. "Daddy really has to investigate the link between self-loathing, gut-churning soft drinks and testosterone," says Kate McDonald. "There has to be some link considering this Saffie performance."
15th over: South Africa 55-5 Watson is on for Tait (3-0-22-1) and his first ball, a leg-stump loosener, is timed exquisitely through square-leg for four by Gibbs. "Could Herschelle be about to do to the Aussies what King Viv did to England at Old Trafford in 1984?" says James Calder, hoping against hope. Mind you it would make for quite a story after his cock-up in the 1999 Super Six game.
16th over: South Africa 56-5 You can get 16-1 on South Africa to win this, notes Daddy. Brad George Hogg is on with a slip and silly point, and Ponting decides not to take the final Powerplay. He has to go for 50-odd here, but attacking him is extremely risky because he's a genuine wicket-taker. And there's a good example of why, as Kemp fails to read a lovely wrong'un which slips past the outside edge. Kemp is floundering horribly at the moment. "I have a series of Important Business Meetings with Very Important Executives today," says Manish Khandadd- sorry, Manish Khanduri, "and, with that word implacably fixed in my head, am terrified that I am going to introduce myself as Daddy in the course of some presentation."
17th over: South Africa 62-5 Watson is not bowling particularly well, and Gibbs dumps the first ball of his second over down to fine leg for four. I'm surprised they are bowling him because every mediocre over allows the potentially dangerous Kemp to get his eye in a little more. I think Tait or Bracken would have cleaned Kemp up in no time. Rare to see an Australian team remove part of the foot from the South African throat. "This Daddy stuff is sinister and making me feel uneasy," says Alex Perkins. "I'm witnessing the journalistic equivalent of Keegan 96." Daddy is humbled to be compared to one of nature's gentlemen.
18th over: South Africa 67-5 It's all rather serene at the moment, and if Australia do lose Daddy will pinpoint this passage of play as being decisive. Five from Hogg's over. "Although I'm understandably distraught to watch South Africa make a hash of my ill-considered and sadly public predictions of an upset victory, I am please to watch the OBO report move away from the increasingly tedious thwack of leather on Graham Smith's ego, to a gothic Edgar Allen Poe-esque description of Rob Smyth's descent into madness," says Warren Lee. "I only hope by the end of the afternoon that Daddy is interrupted by either the constant beating of Tom Lutz's hideous heart, or failing that, at the very least someone rapping, rapping at the office door." Daddy can certainly hear noises, always noises.
19th over: South Africa 69-5 Kemp is over the worst now and, while he remains unconvincing, he can be a seriously dangerous hitter in the later overs. Two from that one, from Watson. "With all this Daddy talk I keep thinking of a mate of mine who's probably reading this as well," says Ben Sadler. "Can any of your readers help him choose a name for his first born that's due tomorrow? I'm sure the wife'll go with the most popular choice." Daddy knows what he shall call his children, should Daddy ever be fortunate enough to do the necessary with a beloved. Daddy shall call all 12 of his children 'Daddy'.
20th over: South Africa 71-5 Kemp is done by the googly again. Daddy feels for him. Gibbs is playing much better, but he too is beaten by the googly. "Rob, is all this 'Daddy' business part of your ongoing plan to turn OBO into a David Lynch film?" says Richard Martin. "Should we expect backwards-talking dwarves and Locomotion-singing prostitutes for the final?" The only Lynch that Daddy would like to homage is Bet Lynch. Daddy always liked Bet Lynch.
21st over: South Africa 77-5 (Gibbs 32, Kemp 16) Daddy beats a groping Kemp with a back-of-a-length delivery outside off stump. Kemp responds by hooking a bouncer for a really clean six to bring up the fifty partnership. He wasn't really looking at the ball, like Ian Botham off Lillee in 1981. He is a dangerous customer, this man. Just ask Kabir Ali. "If Ben Sadler and his wife are Radiohead fans, as any self respecting Grauniad reader should be, they'll probably settle on Kid A," says Alex Pinhey. "It certainly would make the naming of any subsequent children an easy job."
22nd over: South Africa 83-5 Six from Hogg's over, all from singles and wides, as Booth arrives at GU Towers and greets Daddy. "Smyth, women in GU Towers are starting to look genuinely nervous," says Tom Lutz. "Desist this Daddy nonsense immediately." Daddy wondered why the building had emptied even though there was no fire alarm.
WICKET! Gibbs c Gilchrist b Tait 39 (South Africa 87-6) Tait's back and that means either runs, wickets - or both. After Gibbs flails one over point for four he pushes tentatively at a short one outside off and feathers it through to Gilchrist. An apologetic end to a pretty good innings, and that's a huge blow for South Africa
23rd over: South Africa 87-6 Hall's in ahead of Pollock, presumably in an attempt to stonewall South Africa into a position from which they can tee off for the last 10 overs, "I need a goalkeeper to come and play 5-a-side tonight at 8 o'clock in Chiswick," says Adam Cole. "Our usual 'keeper has headed off to the Trivium gig tonight (he's Australian!), and I'm now desparate enough to call on the help of man who is spiralling in to madness. Beers on me afterwards if the 'keeper does a good job and we win...not for you though Daddy, I'm afraid I'm just too freaked out by your new alter ego." Daddy is simply happy to be of assistance.
24th over: South Africa 89-6 Australia are prowling around Kemp. "It's a guessing game boys, a guessing game," wahs Gilchrist, and it is: he hasn't a clue how to read Hogg. Back-to-back wides tarnish an otherwise good over. "I rather like the Daddy thing," says Tom Walling. "It's a bit disconcerting at first, and feels a bit seedy, like you've been locked in a prison and all your nightmares are about to be fulfilled, but it's grown on me and I feel comfortable with it now. Don't stop, Daddy."
25th over: South Africa 90-6 Daddy, having studied Being John Malkovich, has immersed himself in the body of Shaun Tait. He is bowling to Hall, who gets off the mark with a flick to leg. Daddy is disappointed but understands that, inevitably, sometimes the yorker will swing too much and drift onto the pads. Here's Stewart Todd. "Is this a bet you made with whatever all-powerful entity you were pleading with at about 8:30pm last night in an Islington pub to turn the match around? 'If we get a win, I promise I will refer to myself as Daddy for the duration of my OBO stint tomorrow.' Not the sort of deal I'd ever made in the several losing Dundee United Cup Finals I endured at Hampden, perhaps I should have..."
26th over: South Africa 93-6 South Africa need to somehow get up to 200 and hope for the best, but you suspect that Hogg is going to take a wicket any moment. Stop me if you think you've heard this one before, but Kemp is beaten having a hard-handed grope at the wrong'un. He has not got one solitary clue. "Regarding children's names (over 19) I recently saw on Anneka Rice's entry in that fountain of all knowledge Wikipedia that her second born is called 'The Inferno'," says Donald Lunan. "I like her style, naming her children as if they were darts players. I therefore suggest that we name the OBO baby 'The Audacity'." Or, perhaps, 'The Daddy's Scented String Vest'.
WICKET! Hall c Gilchrist b Tait 3 (South Africa 93-7) Superb captaincy from Ponting. He took the final Powerplay, challenging the South Africans to play some shots, and Hall did to the very first ball, flashing outside off with no foot movement at Tait and edging to the tumbling Gilchrist.
27th over: South Africa 94-7 Pollock, the last of the South Africans who knows how to hold a bat, is almost done by a hot one first ball that jags back and cut him in half. Then there is almost a run-out after a horrible mix-up - no semi-final between Australia and South Africa would be complete without one - but Pollock was safely home. Pollock's reward is a really nasty bouncer that he fends desperately to square leg with his eyes looking at third man. A fantastic over from Tait, whose figures are 6-0-28-3.
28th over: South Africa 94-7 Bracken is on for Hogg, a nice twist of the knife, like the one in Ewan McGregor's shoulder in Shallow Grave, and it's a maiden to Pollock. "Daddy, come and nestle into my abundant and still youthful bosom," says Kate McDonald, only in a made-up language that Daddy had to translate. "I'll make you forget the despicable mess that is this cricket game, promise." Daddy is troubled by your suggestion.
29th over: South Africa 99-7 Tait strays on to leg stump and is put away to the fine-leg boundary by Kemp with a delicacy of touch not seen since Daddy turned 30. "Not in agreement with Tom Walling on the prison idea, but I'm also backing your Daddy identity. I reckon it has a Smokey and the Bandits feel to it," says James Arrandale. "I can imagine you chewing on a cheroot with your Basset Hound on your lap, sending out 10-4s to your cohorts over the airwaves. Think your other callers should give themselves sobriquets."
WICKET! Pollock c and b Hogg 5 (South Africa 103-8) Hogg is back, after one over of Bracken, and it doesn't take him long to take his first wicket. Having cut one for four earlier in the over, Pollock checks his drive and gives a low return catch. It was a nothing shot that sums up South Africa's day: they have been completely unable to find the right balance between attack and defence. Daddy concludes that the game is up for South Africa, and that a truly great team have excelled themselves.
30th over: South Africa 103-8 Nel becomes the latest South African to be beaten by Hogg's wrong'un. "Goat boy is waiting in the field for Daddy," says Alex Warwick. "He wants to put flowers in his hair."
31st over: South Africa 106-8 McGrath is back into the attack, for Tait (7-0-33-3), but Kemp is happy to take a single off the first ball and expose Nel. He waves at fresh air a few times and then slaps one up and over midwicket for two. "Is this Daddy nonsense anything to do with Six Feet Under?" eurekas Nick Clark. "I seem to remember one episode where "Daddy" was the head of a commune, and all his followers lived by the book of Daddy. This problem with this analogy is that he had five wives and loads of kids. Some wishful thinking going on here, eh Daddy?"
32nd over: South Africa 107-8 If the proper batsmen can't read Hogg there's no reason why Nel should, and he gropes miserably in the dark in that over. It should be a quick kill here. "As the soon-to-be Daddy proper mentioned in the 19th over by Ben Sadler, we really could do with some more suggestions," says Matt Lindop. "Freddie was a popular candidate, no less so after the pedalo incident, but less obviously I'm pushing for Gary, after Punter's Ashes nemesis, Pratt. I'd appreciate any more suggestions with an obscure cricketing bent..." McCague Lindop has a ring to it.
33rd over: South Africa 108-8 McGrath's slower ball grips, beats Kemp's heave and just clears the top of off stump. Then Kemp checks a fuller delivery to third man for a single. "Why don't you just report the game and drop the egotistical crap?" says Gordon McKay. "I've no idea who you are - but you come across a bit of a sad [email protected]" Daddy knows you are but what is he?
34th over: South Africa 109-8 Kemp, who is still in first gear, sweeps Hogg for a single in another mischievous over from Hogg. He's bowling two or three wrong'uns an over, which is fair enough because South Africa haven't a clue how to pick it. "What will Daddy do with his early day?" says Matthew West. "Tend to his brood? Look for a lucky, lucky lady friend?" Daddy is going to lick his palms until they weep.
35th over: South Africa 118-8 Watson is on for McGrath and Kemp cuts him for four with real authority. Then Nel bottom-edges a mow to fine leg for four more. Watson has been pretty average today. "Does Matt Lindop know it's definitely a boy?" says Neil Taylor. "Linda Lindop has a certain bullied-for-life ring to it..."
36th over: South Africa 119-8 Hogg does Nel with the flipper, but his appeal for LBW is rightly turned down: it was missing off. Nel is doing a pretty decent job of hanging around, but to ask him to do so for another 14 overs is well, a big ask, so surely Kemp needs to tee off soon. Hogg, who has been excellent, finishes with a maiden and figures of 10-2-24-1. "Sounds like Gordon McKay has some issues he needs to work out," says Tom Hopkins. "Didn't Mommy and Daddy love him enough when he was a child?" It is never too late. Daddy has so much love to give. Daddy is free with His love.
37th over: South Africa 122-8 Tait is on for Watson, who was given just one, expensive over. Two wides and a single from the over, and South Africa has just creeping towards a total that is only 100 short of being competitive. What a fiercely demoralising experience this must be. "A cricket nut I know managed to call his first born 'Lily Grace' without raising too many eyebrows at home," says Simon Wood, prompting Daddy to raise his one remaining eyebrow.
38th over: South Africa 123-8 Watson has switched ends, to replace Hogg, and Nel continues to take a scandalous amount of the strike. Kemp attempts to change that by setting off for a ludicrous single when Nel digs out a yorker, but eventually they decide against it and both have to dive to make the ground. "In these days of video analysts and thousandths of a second frame-by-frame playback, how has the 36 year-old Hogg's wrong'un so unpickable throughout this World Cup?" says Gary Naylor, not unreasonably. "Perhaps batsmen should concentrate a little harder on the hand and the ball? Perhaps it's too easy to build a career as a flat-track bully? Couldn't Lara pick everyone?"
39th over: South Africa 124-8 Kemp does it again, taking a single from the first ball and exposing Nel to Tait. He gets diligently into line, and actually looks like he's enjoying himself, which surprises Daddy. "Daddy can be a very good friend of Goat Boy," says Alex Warwick. "Goat Boy likes the cut of daddy's jib. Goat Boy also has a lot of love to give. Goat Boy likes to eat from a nose bag." Daddy has forwarded Alex Warwick's details to the law-enforcement officers. Daddy likes them when they wear their tight-fitting, authoritative, fragrant uniforms.
40th over: South Africa 130-8 A good over from South Africa - six from it, one from each delivery - and Watson has definitely been the weak link in Australia's attack today. "Is it the loss of an eyebrow that has tipped Daddy over the edge?" asks Clare Daddyvies. "Daddy should be grateful he is not a monobrow a la Noel and Liam." Daddy IS both Noel and Liam. But only on Wednuesdays.
WICKET! Nel c Clarke b Tait 8 (South Africa 130-9) Tait takes his fourth wicket, as Nel slaps a short one high in the air and straight to Clarke, running backwards from point. He did well, hanging around for 41 balls, but the becalmed Kemp at the other end didn't really take advantage.
41st over: South Africa 132-9 Langeveldt batted heroically under the most extreme pressure in that thrilling win over Sri Lanka, but Daddy thinks he's basically a clown with the bat (ODI average 2.83) so Kemp has to bring out the long handle now. But no, he remains largely strokeless, although he keeps the strike with a single off the final delivery. Tait finishes with wonderful figures of 10-0-39-4.
42nd over: South Africa 142-9 Good stuff from KeDADDYmp, who clumps an DADDYattempted yorker from Watson down the ground for four before blasting another full-toss through extra-cover. WaDADDYtson has bowled like a drain today.DADDY
43rd over: South Africa 144-9 Bracken has a big shout for LBW against Kemp, who missed a premeditated lap, but it pitched just outside leg stump. Daddy says not out, and rightly so.
WICKET! Langeveldt b Watson 6 (South Africa 149 all out) That's the end of that. Tait dropped Kemp in farcical circumstances at long-on, but later in the over Langeveldt was cleaned up by a straight one. Kemp ends on 49 not out. It's been brilliant from Australia, pitiful from South Africa (their lowest-ever World Cup score), and Mummy will be here in 30 minutes' time. Daddy is tired and needs to sleep.